also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
