Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
