i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
