...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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