We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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