Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
