You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
