So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
