Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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