if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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