Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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