Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
