Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
high people should be assigned attendants
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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