Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
