seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Randomize