One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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