im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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