Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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