Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
