Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
