The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
