I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
