OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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