Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize