I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
