mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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