I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
