Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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