Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
