here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
