You can't special order awesome
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
