Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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