So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
