We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
