I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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