Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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