As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
