dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
