Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
