don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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