I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
