How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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