I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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