Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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