ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
