I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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