Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
