im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
