She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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