Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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