I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
