got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
