Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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