sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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