we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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