While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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