Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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