I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
