My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
