I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
