You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
